Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
an airline just for babies.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.