Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals