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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: