*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.