If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.