I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
You Might Also Like
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.