If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this