The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
and this one
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami