I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”