Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
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Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You are not alone 💚
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.