We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats