*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
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While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Traveler’s camo
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”