My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.