I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)