Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
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My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*pronounces patio like ratio