DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
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my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
CRYING
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂