An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!