Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs