“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out