My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.