Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Y’all know who you are.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science