Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.