The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back