I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
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[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.