sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.