Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My patronus is a cheeseburger