People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.