Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*