A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
You Might Also Like
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…