*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
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My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
fr
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.