I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
In case you needed to hear it:
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend