Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Merica.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
my dad has had enough
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?