airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”