Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
You Might Also Like
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole