The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Every work call, he judges.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….