Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
You Might Also Like
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?