Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
You Might Also Like
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Dietest Coke
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Europe. Made in Germany.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
🐕🍷
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby