When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Breaking news:
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally