Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
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*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on