“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
181.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?