I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar