Checkmate, Flat Earthers
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
If you love someone, let them tweet.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.