Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I triple waxed for this?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”