*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
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*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m having an out of money experience.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself