I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.