[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”