On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women