I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
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Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Note to self: I am a note
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again