After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in