I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
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Proctology is located in A55
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
CRYING
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too